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Week Ending September 25th

 

 

09/21/2004 CMS  Subject: The Rules

The Guys' Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally, the guys' side of the story.  (I must admit, it's pretty good.)  We always hear "the rules" From the female side.   Now here are the rules from the male side.   These are our rules!   Please note... these are all numbered "1"  ON PURPOSE!

1. Men ARE not mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.  You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.  We need it up, you need it down.  You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.  Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.   And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail. 

1. Ask for what you want.  Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work!  Strong hints do not work!  Obvious hints do not work!  Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question. 

1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do.  Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.  In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys. 

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something.  Or tell us how you want it done.   Not both.  If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.  Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
 

1. If it itches, it will Be scratched.   We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.   We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.  Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh

 

09/22/2004 CMS  George Carlin Strikes Again!

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
3. OK... So if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags," and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," What does that make the Tennessee Titans?
4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
5. There are three religious truths: a) Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. b) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of The Christian faith.  c) Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages?  Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car, not called a racist?
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FED- UP?
14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me...they're cramming for their final exam.
17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them?  Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
19. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zig-zag?
22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
 

09/23/2004 CMS A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago."

 "Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water."

 "But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

 A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."
 

09/23/2004 CMS  Seven Degrees of a Blonde

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2in the morning.   The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.  The husband said, "Who was that?"  The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street.  One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.  She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."  The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"  So the first blonde hands her the compact.  The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.  She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.  Well, the blonde is really angry.  She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.  She takes the gun and puts it to her head.  The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"  The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.   She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."  A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"  The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?   "Is it mine?"

SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class.  The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.Wade was about.  Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.  She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.  The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.  As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.  Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen.   I call the police for help, and what do they do?  They send me a BLIND policeman.
 

 

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